A Love (and sometimes hate)

Bismillah.

i know some people might read this. but I've been think a lot to post this. I just cant understand why some people keep judging other by their past? y'know. I've only love this one guy before. he's my everything. (dulu lah. betapa teruknya pemikiran)though i know my mom and dad never like him. but they didn't say a word knowing that im always living in 'the most right person' life. so untuk elak kan dari bertekak dengan anak sendiri. They shut their mouth. But finally. aku sendiri yang tersedar. He used me for three years. in three years. we have done so many things together. we shared the happiness and saddest things. but its all wasted. He used me and wound up being player with many girls outside. id never checked his phone, email, facebook, twitter or skype. Im in love with him. So for me, when we love someone, we have to trust them. 

So tell me why should i check his privacy? no right? but i was wrong. totally wrong. He broke my heart. I recovered. myself. its hurt a lot. my heart ache. and its not easy to forget moreover when someone you love broke your heart when you have clearly seen your entire future with him. 

what did i found after our story end up?

 I found the light. I guess. its all between me and Allah. God sent me so many people around as a medium to deliver what is the real Islam and help me to answer my big question about Islam. in the age of 20. aku masih belajar tentang Islam. mungkin sesuatu yang memalukan dan bukan untuk dibanggakan. tapi aku rasa wajar untuk aku berkongsi apa aku lalu sepanjang 20 tahun yang mensia sia kan. macam entri aku yang lepas. Ive told you. every single person in this world nak berubah. including me. mesti ada perasaan tu. just kau kuat atau tak. itu jer. and every one need SUPPORT. All this to say, ada yang masih lagi menilai aku dengan benda yang lepas. I know. Imma bad person. Im sucks. im wreck. dan paling tak best bila orang mengkritik aku bila aku cuba bertatih untuk menutup aurat. yknow. before you judge me, realize. Everyone has a story and until you hear theirs. its none of your godang rights. and its STILL none of your godang business.

"The only reason people judge is because

 they’re too afraid to face the own demons in their closet."

I guess there's something wrong in their life so they tend to take it out on someone else. That doesnt mean kau akan kelihatan begitu matang. It wont help your situation. serious talk. It will just upset someone else. Before you judge or Slut-shame, THINK. We are human. We are borned to love each other. So dont threat like youre such a heartless person.  its amazing why some people can be so heartless. lagi lagi with the person you have been in love before. 

you know i dont need a praise to lift me up. I dont need that. Seriously. dan aku memang tak suka kalau ada yang memuji aku. everything. tak kesah lah nak puji apa apa sekalipun. I dont think its from their bottom heart. besides, i don't know how to react. so just keep it inside dude. dan mungkin orang fikir aku akan down setiap kali mereka cuba menjatuhkan aku. but you thought wrong. Aku ni dominan. LOL. *puji diri* no I mean. I dont know why, everytime i heard something bad , it lift me up. Seriously. ive been inspired by their hatred. I make Siti Hajar as my idol. Seriously she is my idol. 

She is the strong women ive ever known in this entire world. She is the greatest women in Islamic History. Girl, If you think you're so weak. be strong and strong enough. i bet you should study, read and find out more about Siti Hajar. its all about Zami. The history about the holy water in Mecca. Mungkin ramai yang meneguk air zam zam tapi berapa ramai yang meneguk sejarah daripadanya? baca. seriously. And you will feel so tiny in front of Allah bila chuolls tahu yang ujian dia lagi berat dari kita. Tak ada istilah dalam dunia ni yang kuat cuma lelaki. Tak ada. Just I urged every girls outside don't ever feel harm or down by their words. who they are to judge? dan kalau mereka rasa mereka cukup bagus. kenapa mereka tak kambus diri mereka jer dalam kubur? kambus dan borak dengan malaikat.  lepas tu pacak lah nisan bertatahkan berlian. kata bagus sangat. okay sorry. aku tahu ayat aku kasar, this is the reason why aku  tak post this entry in Bahasa as it will be so rough.  so kalau dalam inglissss, ada lah kias kias sikit. LOL. 

sekian. Salam.  

and oh by the way. I have this one friend. Tak boleh mention nama dia siapa. But she is in love with my senior. my senior pulak is one of a kind yang.... yknow. full with piety inside. alim lah senang cerita. and dia bagus bila dia refer dengan seorang ustat tentang perasaan dia towards this guy. sebab benda seolah olah dah jelas yang lelaki tu pun menaruh harapan yang sama dengan dia. cuma yeah. dia perlu jaga perasaan dia. aku faham. dia sama macam aku. totally serik dengan lelaki. dankalau boleh tak nak involve dengan apa apa isu lelaki until the right times and the right men is come. tapi this feeling memang kenot hide lah. I knew her. dan ustat tu cuma cakap 

"jangan lepaskan dia. tunjukkan dia yang kamu suka dia"

dan pada masa tu. aku terfikir. macam mana nak tunjuk. I mean. kitorang kan perempuan. how to start? dan yang penting. aku faham sesuatu perasaan bila kita suka kan seseorang sampai tahap kita rasa "I want to be his Zulaikha" dan kita takut untuk kehilangan dia. apa yang kita cuma mampu, untuk Tuhan jagakan perasaan ni supaya tak terdorong ke arah zina hati. 

sebenarnya aku tak suka untuk bicara soal hati. sakit.