Petrified Me

Bismillah.

i feel like i want to write it out. express all here. but this is too public you know, and im goin to read this all the time even when i closed my eyes. somebody out there gonna read this. so decided to have two diaries. it is not such a bad ass at all. it just sometimes if you have nothing to say publicly. then just write it in you super secret diary. i have one. the green diary. Given from my three bestfriends on my 19th Birthday. Nizam. Farien and Firdaus. it is much useful for me. Thank You boys. Well, for you to publicly shown all the feelings inside your head. i know. sometimes. people keep updating their living life. good or bad and blah blah blah. Let them gaizz. but listen. There is nothing to show off if it is too bad. I have my own green diaries too. it is the place where I become burst out as honest as I could. as transparent as I should. Andddd. no one ever read it of course! 


if you don't understand what is mental illness. Good. 
Good for you. You don't have to understand.

If you don't understand why some people cried themselves to sleep.

Good. I hope you never feel that desperation of life.

If you don't understand why some people could wasted their time to sit and wait for someone who will never come. Good. I hope you never be such and idiot person.

Its all fucking sick. You're not supposed to. 

thanks God for the ignorance because it is healthy for me now :)

i am much happier than i ever imagine. 

some girls are lucky enough to go through pain. while some girls feel lucky enough to live a simple life with a small kind of pain. how about you? and how about me? we have our own story which carry us to be how we are right now.  basically. all stories are related to people. to someone.

Someone who comes and go like season.
Someone who comes for a reason.
Someone who comes for a lesson.

and soon. they were just disappeared.

and you asking yourself why? and where do they go?

this is happening. always happen to me. I always cry myself to sleep. and when it happen. you choose to let it sink in your heart. and let it died slowly in your heart. just like the sunken titanic and errbody's screaming. hoping that you will finally forget about it. unfortunately. Memories remain...


the visual wasnt in front of you. but the scars they give is like a tatto. and all you know is. People change. including You. yourself. when you change yourself from to love. and it becomes to move on. to give up. to surrender. when you see there is no use tu put a hope on someone. It becomes much hurtful when they make you feel so important but youre not. It really shuts you off rite? And youre just end up being confused. Who is the one who needed saving? You or them? no one make a move. 



so it is a good decision when you decided to move on as youre a big girls and you could think wisely. To make God be the king in your heart. and give miles to your feet.  you never know how close you are to success. 


when you are ready to fly. to move. dont ever predict they will come back. sometimes dream's just a demon. and don't ever panic if they come back. 

It actually petrifies me how little control i have over my emotions for people. maybe i just could start pretending happy in front of the person I wish I never knew his existence. 

Kenapa entry harini macam lain macam jer? 

"oh well. menulis ni macam memasak. takkan setiap hari kita nak masak pedas pedas."