Girl on Fire

Bismillah.

its such an amazing story when your 'decade' best buddyz told You "Tasha, aku tak pernah tengok kau menangis" - Shyra Sahar. 

our friendship has last for more than 10 years. dari darjah empat. and still counting of it. imagine, even my bestfriend in the world sekalipun never see my tears. apa lagi kalau orang yang baru kenal aku. dan yang baru kenal aku, takkan simply like that aku isytiharkan dia kenal aku. 

when I was little aku suka menangis. sikit sikit merajuk. Until my dad, abah Nazan told me, "Nadira tak boleh perangai macam ni. Nadira kena kuat. tak boleh sikit sikit nangis" since that day, aku akan cuba tak menangis. and sampai sekarang boleh kira dengan jari berapa kali jer aku akan nangis. some people bila down, sedih. akan lepaskan kesedihan dengan menangis. Tapi aku tak. i'd prefer to express all of my sadness in my drawing or in my diary. Yes, I got a Diary. and aku mula menulis diary since I was 11. dan buku buku diary yang aku ada before, yang dah penuh. aku dah buang. bakar. can you see how much aku tak nak ingat tentang masa silam aku?

and today, runs my duty as usual. siang pergi studio petang balik bilik. and meeting friends macam biasa. joking. and laughing all around. Then, there's a question mark inside my head when one of my friends, a guy said to me "Tasha. kau ni asik asik gelak. tak penat ker" im not a fake person. tapi kalau itu yang menggembirakan hati aku, aku akan laughing all the times with my friends. 

orang kata the most happiest person is the most sad person actually. that's true. Im living happily infront people. gelak gelak. gila gila. but do they know what is running inside my head? the burden. the problems. The conflict. I mean the real story of mine! do they really understand how I feel? the way im thinking? the way I live? and the way how i am regretting my past and hoping the best for me and the future.?

 They don't.

the worse part is when ada orang pernah kata "Tasha, aku teringin nak ada life macam kau" on that time, aku cuma senyum. and whispering inside, "Tak perlu. My life ain't easy". You know what? for me, kebahagiaan yang sebenar  tak terletak pada harta yang kita ada. bagi aku the real one is when, i can live happily with my own family instead of someone I love, dan diredhai selalu. I need that. Mungkin nasib belum menyebelahi aku. 

All i feel inside, i just want to scream. and run. away from here. I don't even know when it will going to the end but somehow, i think it will never end UNLESS aku belajar untuk keluar dari sini dan start a new life even I have to stand on fire. Im waiting for that moment to come, And now, im working on it. Its such a long and beautiful process. Aku cuma perlu tenang. dan sabar.  

Dan aku tak perlu mengeluh tetapi aku perlu banyak kan syukur yang datang dari hati. bukan bibir semata mata. sesungguhnya orang yang paling sengsara ialah orang yang miskin iman. bila miskin iman. akan jadi miskin rasa. and terus bawa kepada kufur nikmat. am I right? 

Well, people can talk what ever they want. and they can listen to anyone. they can judge for  anything they think they should. love rumours huh? how funny. and people only realized your existence when you're something beneficial for them. That's life, I told You.

as word goes "funny when you're dead how people started listening"

im listening to this song. its truly inspired me. by Alicia Keys. Girl On Fire. 

She is psychologist. she's like reading my feelings and thought! I love this part ;')

Everybody stands, as she goes by

Cause they can see the flame that's in her eyes

Watch her when she's lighting up the night

Nobody knows that she's a lonely girl

And it's a lonely world

But she gon' let it burn, baby, burn, baby

She's just a girl, and she's on fire...

Salam.